I really wish I didn’t love people so hard. I really wish I didn’t. I hate it so much that I do. It’s so humiliating to invest yourself so deeply into someone who honestly doesn’t care. I hate it so much. There are so many times when I wonder if I’m crazy for loving someone so much. It’s so humiliating and degrading to be so invested in someone, and it makes me hate myself for putting myself in that position, time and time again, for not learning every time, and I hate it. I feel so stupid every single time, and because I give myself so wholly, it just destroys me every time. I wish I was more superficial when it comes to people that I love. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t want to feel anything. I just don’t. I’d prefer not to feel anything at all ever. It’s just too much for me to handle. I literally get stuck on one person for years. The first was six years, and the second is three years counting, and it’s so humiliating to feel this way. Who takes this long to get over someone? It’s not even like we were married. We didn’t build a life together. And yet, I’m acting as if we did.
And the worst part is, it’s all my doing. It’s all my fault. This humiliation was self-spawned, caused by my own actions, so I can’t even blame another person for this. I can only blame myself and hate myself for this. I hate it so much.