Okay, I normally wouldn’t do this but I can’t take it anymore. The fail-safe that I’ve developed over these past few months, where I write all these horrible, horrible thoughts in my journal so that no one else has to hear them and then realize just how much of a terrible person I am, has failed. I can’t take it anymore. I literally cannot, I physically cannot endure this anymore. And there’s like not even a person that I can tell this to. I’m not comfortable telling this to my friends from high school because their reactions are all highly obvious in that they tell me what I want to hear, but what I want to hear cannot be said superficially. I don’t want someone to throw me a bone. I want the genuine thing.
I don’t know why this happened, but ever since… Let’s say, Thursday, I’ve been completely and utterly fixated on the question of whether I’m pretty or not. It sounds vain because it is vain to wonder something like that and to be obsessed with it. But I can’t not wonder because every time that maybe I think I am, I always think back on that time in 10th grade when most of my friends and I were sitting around and someone said “Hey, let’s name all of the pretty Asian girls in our grade” and they started naming people, and eventually, they included the names of everyone in that group except for me.
I know it was 2 years ago and all, and I probably looked ugly 2 years ago (not that I’m saying that I’m pretty now) but whenever the question comes up on how I look, I literally always think back to that moment, and it’s so horrible because the feeling I get from thinking back on that now is the same as how I felt when the conversation ended and I was the only person whose name hadn’t come up. But I guess sometimes the truth hurts, right? Like there’s no changing the truth. I just have to find a way to accept that truth, no matter how much it hurts.
Now I just watched this video and don’t feel like a cry baby anymore.
I don’t fucking get it. I don’t. I mean, I guess I do. I just wish I didn’t. I think sometimes there are just some things that I’m way too self-aware of for my own good.
I have a wish. And I feel this wish strongly. Very strongly. But I cannot explain what this wish is because if I do, then it would prevent the granting of that wish. But I pray to a God I don’t even believe exists that it will be granted one day.
What am I doing wrong? What am I… I don’t understand. I mean, I do, but I don’t. I’m overwhelmingly troubled by the fact that I can only seem to attract significantly older (like 20 years older) desperate men with such incredibly low standards that whether it was me or a chimpanzee, it wouldn’t really matter. Is that it? That’s the best I can do? That’s it right there. That’s all I can do. That’s the extent of how attractive I am.
That is so incredibly disappointing and depressing and I just… There’s a collection of quotes that I have. And reading them makes me hurt so much because all of it is so true. Or they’re just sayings that I can relate to.