Technically speaking, because I recently began a habit of writing down my thoughts in a journal, there’s no particular reason for this post to exist. But then again, there are a lot of reasons why this blog shouldn’t even exist, so I suppose it doesn’t really matter whether it exists or not.

I don’t really know what’s wrong with me. I keep waiting for things to get better, and they’re not. Maybe that’s the problem: that I’m just waiting. That I’m not doing. But what can I do? What can I possibly do? My life has become so limited and dull, and yet, I’ve become accustomed to its blandness and learned to just accept it. Shrugging it off, I conditioned myself by telling myself what everyone else keeps telling me: “Things will get better. Just wait a little longer, and they’ll get better.”

They won’t though. I know because all of this is in my head. I have a good life. This I know. But all of this sadness is self-spawned.

When I lie awake at night, I try to think of how it will be better. They always tell you it will be better, but never how. So I tried to fill in the gaps, but I couldn’t. Maybe because I think that things won’t get better. Not for me anyway. I will forevermore live in this state of adequacy.

Today, a teacher I’ve had for four years, whom I’ve respected very much, said that if you weren’t annoyed with him at least once, it was because he hadn’t pushed you. And if he hadn’t pushed you, it meant that there was nothing to push you towards. I have never felt irritated with him; what is that supposed to mean?

Logically, I understand that crying will help me feel better. A physical reaction will help me release all of this internalized emotion – emotion that has only been suppressed because there is no one. The friends I go to school with, I cannot speak to, all for individual and wholly unique reasons. The friends I don’t, the same rules apply.

Today in class we calculated our life expectancies for an activity. I found the method incredibly unreliable, but just for argument’s sake, in the case that it was somewhat correct, I am supposed to live to 86.

I find that laughable.

There are just so many things I don’t understand about human society. Not because I’m too young or too inexperienced. Rather, my inability to understand would be more properly defined as an incredulity that something could be so widespread and permitted by society – the “something” being a variety of things.

I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understant. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand. I do not understand.

That’s a lot of “I don’t understand.”

I’m not here to say words of comfort, anyway. I cannot offer such. But… hm.

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At some point of my life, I may have shared the same feelings and thoughts. But really idk what to say. (I hope you don’t find it weird that I go around commenting here and there.)

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